Ten Easy Deaths for Naruto
by daveypandas
Summary: All that time of annoying people and tossing around crude remarks eventually has to pay off.
1. Never Call Him Twinkie

A/N: Naruto, of course, is one of my top anime characters on the list. This means that I have no grudge against him whatsoever. I just wanted to come up with how he dies for some strange reason. Please don't take that as an offense. It's cool.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and I don't own the Twinkie factory or the manager of the Twinkie business.

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**1st death- Never Call Him Twinkie**

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It started way back when they were all still at the ninja academy during an exam. Iruka had special seating arrangements made to keep the talkative pupils from talking to the other talkative pupils, at least, to keep the rest of the class from getting disturbed. In this case, Choji was seated right in front of Naruto.

Naruto didn't say one word to him until his test paper 'magically flew' off his desk and landed right by Choji's feet.

Choji took no notice.

After impatiently waiting for only thirty seconds, Naruto lightly poked Choji in the back with his pencil, and he realized he simply couldn't hold something in. It was completely irresistible for Naruto – like bursting out of the water for a fresh breath of air.

Naruto blurted, "Hey, Twinkie, gimme my paper, will ya? It's down there by your feet, unless you're too chubby to get it, 'cos that's okay." A lopsided grin spread across his face.

Choji quickly turned around, his face stuffed with anger (and possibly gummy bears). "What did you call me?" he asked, his teeth grit together in a frightening manor.

"I said "Twinkie"…or should I say "Loafy" or "Biscuit Butt" or-" Naruto abruptly stopped; after taking a brief glance at the look on Choji's face, for the first time, he felt very afraid.

Deathly afraid.

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A/N: Feel free to review and tell me what you think. Flamers will eat my pinstripe shorts.


	2. Never Underestimate His Eyeliner

A/N: I pause to thank all readers and reviewers for present and/or future reference. (In other words, I'm too lazy to answer most reviews. :-P )

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Play- magazines okay?

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**2nd Death- Never Underestimate His Eyeliner**

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Naruto was having a happy moment, huddled in the corner, in the bookstore, reading the newest _Playboy: _Ninja edition; he was very careful to make sure that the store manager didn't take the time to glance around and snivel.

When he finished flipping through the rest of the magazine, he put it back in its place and thought to himself, _Too bad they don't have more of those. Now I'm really bored._ He decided to look out the window to try to set his mind on doing something else, and there he saw Gaara casually walking down the road. _Finally! _he thought. _Somebody I can challenge!_

Naruto quickly ran out of the bookstore into plain view of Gaara, swaying his arms with a determined look on his face; Gaara eventually turned around.

"What do you want?" he said between closed teeth.

For a second, Naruto forgot why he came out in the first place. Something was distracting him…

"You know what?" Naruto curiously stated.

"What?"

"…Are you wearing eyeliner?"

"Huh?"

"Are you wearing eyeliner?"

Gaara winced with an air of anger. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," Naruto commented, "because if you are wearing eyeliner, I think it makes you look gay. And I'm starting to think that you are a drag queen or something…"

At the exact end of the last sentence, poor Naruto was instantly smothered to death with the sand in Gaara's cocoon.

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A/N: I couldn't think of the name for the luggage on Gaara's back…lol. Oh well.


	3. Never Make Fun of the Emo

AN: Here comes another chapter… I'm just writing about how Naruto dies, if you all were wondering what was up with the emo thing. To tell you the truth, I didn't even know what emo was until the end of the summer. On with the chapter.

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**3rd death- Never Make Fun of the Emo**

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Sasuke was having a dark quiet day in the classroom that afternoon; his cold dark eyes peered from behind his folded hands as he surveyed everyone else in the room. After staying frozen in this posture for a long period of time, his nostrils flared as he smelt a familiar stench coming near him – smelled like…fox.

"Hey Sasuke, don't you ever get bored sitting like that all day? You look like one of those big plastic dolls from the store!" He heard Naruto say in his usual annoying manner.

"Leave me alone," replied Sasuke.

"…I think you seriously need some help. With that attitude, you might end up killing yourself like you wrote in that diary of yours."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Where the hell did you find that?"

Naruto continued, ignoring the question he was asked, "And what's with the hair? I bet you use gallons of hair gel and dye just to get that look…I think it's awful. Now I know why everyone is afraid of you-"

At that very split moment, poor Naruto was grabbed by the neck and was throttled to death in front of the entire class.

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A/N: Feel free to review. 


	4. Never Squash His Bugs

A/N: Somebody hinted this chapter theme to me as a request/idea, and it goes along with everything, so why not. If you have a loose stomach for bugs and death, I advise you not to read this chapter.

Note: To all the insects and crawly little bugs out there, you will be eaten by amusement park goers and there's nothing you can do to stop them, and I'm especially mentioning this to the roaches. Thank goodness for that. (And I just said that to annoy the guys who think that eating roaches is animal abuse, lol.) Enough discussion, on with the story.

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**4th death- Never Squash His Bugs**

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Behind a pair of dark and mysterious sunglasses, Shino eyed each and every one of his classmates, trying to observe a brief shot of their personalities, due to the tournament coming up in only a few short hours. They were suddenly thrown out of focus when Naruto had popped right in front of him with his finger rudely pointing to Shino's feet.

"I just saw a bug, right there," Naruto commented; his finger was still out, threatening to be twisted at any time now.

"So?"

"_So_? I think it just came out of your pants!"

Naruto leaned in closer and began to whisper a very unnecessary question, but was distracted by a faint scratching noise around his feet. Subconsciously, he stomped his foot on the crawling presence; Shino grabbed his arm, his eyes burning with anger.

"You squashed my bug!" Shino yelled at him with slight disbelief.

"I did you a favor, didn't I?" Naruto grinned.

Shino calmly grabbed him by the collar and solemnly said, "No. Do that again and you are dead."

"You should be thankful that I did that for you. I ought to knock out the next one and the next one…" at the same time as saying it, Naruto managed to squash another bug, which was madly scuttling for its life in the anguish of seeing its fellow partner being squished against its will to its end.

"I warned you." Shino slowly backed away, allowing bugs to go past the inside of his clothing and climb onto Naruto, covering so much to where not even a speck of skin could show through the creepy crawly mass. From the very tips to the very core, poor Naruto was eaten alive.

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A/N: I forgot to give credit to a couple of guys who helped me think of the variety, so I give those guys a little credit just for the heck of it. Feel free to review.


	5. Never Interrupt Her Bath Time

A/N: Another chapter comes…

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**5th death – Never Interrupt Her Bath Time**

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After a long day of hard work, Sakura turned the faucets, added bubbles, took off her sweaty and dirt-covered clothing, and finally relaxed in a nice, hot bath, letting her troubles simply flow away. She took in a deep steady breath as she took in as much of the relaxing goodness as she could – until she heard a very loud clashing noise.

The window in the bathroom gave out all of a sudden, glass flying everywhere! And even worse, down came Naruto following the breaking of the window. Sakura quickly sat up in the bathtub, screaming as hard as she could; as Naruto was trying to get up, he had a rough time, due to the amount of painful blows he was receiving from Sakura's back scrubber.

Sakura threw terrible fits, screams, and curses at him. The only one Naruto could really make out was: "You evil, disgusting-minded, son-of-a-bitch turd!"

…Well, that's probably the only one that could be shown, since the others are so bad…

Poor Naruto was beaten to death. Though this time, he had one message written in blood during his death, and that message was: _She's nake -!_

Unfortunately, he died before he could finish the message.

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	6. Never Bring Her Hopes Up

A/N: Durdurdur!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Kool-Aid industry.

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**6th death – Never Bring Her Hopes Up **

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"Hey Hinata!"

Hinata looked up. Naruto was standing above her, grinning, in his usual chippy mood. She flushed and quickly dropped the flower in her hands. "Oh, um…Hi Naruto…"

"Everyone's busy today, and you don't look so busy, so I was wondering if you would like to go on a picnic with me?" Naruto flipped open the basket it, revealing little messily-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, cookies, Kool-Aid, and of course, we can't forget potato salad.

"Sure…um…where are we going to eat?"

"Hm, well, I was thinking that volcano. I bet it would be really cool to eat by a volcano, don't you think?" Naruto pointed to a small mountain above them, which had a small hole at the very top. Even though no smoke came from it, it was still alive on the inside.

"That's fine." Hinata stood up, her face a bright cherry red shade. "…uh…thanks…it was really nice of you to-"

"Aw. You don't have to thank me," Naruto sheepishly said as he rubbed his neck, "I just need a little company, that's all."

Hinata smiled. Her mind blossomed with all the other possible reasons why Naruto hand-picked her out of the rest of the village. It was like a dream.

They walked up the mountain as Naruto told her about his odd day; she preserved every word. Being ninja, the mountain was easy to climb. It wasn't long until they reached the top, a flat area of the volcano where you could be able to see the red lava bubbling inside (and Naruto was just finishing telling her about his day); he spread a nice checkered blanket, along with the food he made himself. Then, the both of them took a seat.

As they ate, few words were exchanged, except for an occasional, "Pass the potato salad". Naruto ate as if he was in his own kitchen; Hinata ate the food and cherished every bite, no matter how awful it really tasted and no matter how bad of a cook Naruto really was.

After a little while, when Naruto and Hinata finished eating, Hinata summoned up more courage than she's ever had before nervously asking him, "…Hey…I, um…really like you…I mean, I like you, like you…" When Naruto turned his head with WTF? written all over his face, she huddled.

"Really?" Naruto smiled.

"Yes…"

"Uh, Hinata…I'd hate to break it to ya, but I don't like you like that. You see, I like Sakura, but if that doesn't work out, then I'll add you to the list."

Hinata's face was very red at this time. She wanted to cry, but couldn't. What was this other feeling she was having?

While Naruto was caught off guard, Hinata took her chance: she pushed him into the volcano, letting him burn to death.

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A/N: That one was longer, but it still turned out well. Feel free to review.


	7. Never Steal His Books

A/N: I finally have some time to update. Sorry 'fo the wait.

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**7th death – Never Steal His Books**

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Kakashi was leisurely lying in a hammock in his favorite Hawaiian shirt, sipping on coke and rum and reading his usual fix of romance novels – Make-Out Paradise. This was probably going to be the only _real_ break he'll have for a long time, so he wanted to make the best of it. It was a very sunny day anyway, and it was a good time for him to get a tan, especially in places that don't normally get tanned. He had it made.

Peacefully, he read for hours on end. Just as he was in the middle of one of the novels, his relaxation increased, and he soon found himself dozing away. Kakashi fell asleep with a book on his chest and the bottle of coke and rum loosely in one of his hands, which were lazily drooping down from the hammock. It couldn't have gone any slower…until Naruto came along…

Naruto was walking along the road, bored to death and looking for something very delinquent to do. His eyes caught a glimpse of this strange sight through his ninja teacher's back yard, but he wasn't so sure. Having nothing else to do and being very curious, he crept along through Master Kakashi's shrubbery to prove his eyes right. When he saw his teacher laying there in such a strange fashion, Naruto didn't know what to think. He blinked. _Daaammn…_the boy thought. _I wonder if this is really Master Kakashi, or if somebody's just pulling a prank. Oh well. _

His eyes fell on the huge stack of books on the ground beside the hammock. _Wow! _Naruto thought as he rushed to look through the books. _These are the ones that he won't let me read. Oh boy! Looks like I finally get my chance! _He giggled. It was loud enough for his master to hear, but he didn't know that.

One of Kakashi's eyes opened…

Naruto continued looking through the books. Then, he grabbed the first book in the series and began to quietly walk off out of his teacher's back yard. He grinned and thought to himself again _I'm sure he won't mind if I borrow this one for a while- _

"Get back here!" Kakashi's drunken voice boomed.

The boy paused on the spot. Then, his grin spread even wider. "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! Come and get me first if you want your book back!" He licked the book and took off.

Unfortunately for Naruto, before he could get out of his master's yard, a broken jagged-edged rum bottle raced through the air and pierced his heart.

Such a brutal way to die...

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A/N: That was fun to write. Feel free to review.


	8. Never Call Her a Pig

A/N: Now for the eighth death. Yay.

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**Never Call Her a Pig**

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Before the big tournament, all the young ninja stood in a very long line in groups, waiting to get drug tested. Naruto was getting bored with waiting. He occasionally heard a "Next.", but not very often. They've been standing there smack dab in the middle all day long, and he was tired of it.

His squinted eyes scanned the groups, to see how they were reacting to the wait. It was that and the fact he was looking for something to laugh at (and maybe pay a greater consequence for). The first thing they fell on the first girl in the group in front of them – Ino. Naruto grinned and thought as he watched her, _Is it just me, or did Ino get fat all of a sudden?_ He was curious, so he walked a little closer to inspect his new discovery. It wasn't until about ten minutes when Ino caught him staring at her. Her face quickly grew red and angry.

"What are you staring at, you perv!" she said.

Naruto smiled. "You, I guess…or is it…Ino?"

"Duh?"

"…You totally let yourself go! I mean, are you pregnant or something, or are you just fat?"

Her face grew even redder with anger. She hissed between her teeth, "What…did…you…say?"

He ignored her. "Your name means "pig", which now it matches you perfectly. I know, I'll start calling you "piggy". Yeah. That's what I'll do."

"I'm not a pig!" she screamed.

Everyone around them stared.

"You look like one," Naruto said. He began giggling.

Ino pulled out a dart and angrily threw it. Unfortunately for Naruto, the dart sped through his left eye. He died instantly.

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A/N: Feel free to review.


	9. Never Call Him a Stooge

**9th**** death - Never Call Him a Stooge **

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Naruto knew that Rock Lee looked very familiar when he first saw him. _Didn't I see him somewhere on TV?_ he thought. _What's with him anyway? I mean, he's so ugly!_

He went up to the strange-looking boy and asked, "Hey! Are you Rock Lee?"

The bushy-browed, bowl-cut-haired boy turned around to face Naruto. "Yes I am!" he replied. A smirk grew on his face.

As usual, Naruto let his mouth go as it pleased, "Ya know, you might want to invest in another haircut. You look like one of the Three Stooges."

Rock Lee's smirk quickly faded. Then, he suddenly thrashed out and kicked Naruto in a certain place where the sun doesn't shine. As Lee did so, he clenched his teeth together and said, "I _like_ my hair, by the way!"

Poor Naruto couldn't stand the throbbing pain in his crotch and died an hour later from loss of breath (it hurt so badly).

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A/N: Actually, the first time I ever saw Rock Lee, I thought he looked like a stooge…no offense or anything to the fan girls… 


	10. Never Piss Off the Hokage

A/N: The time for the final death has come. :) Yippee!

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**10****th**** and Final Death: Never Piss Off the Hokage!**

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"Sir, there's someone who wants to see you. He's waiting in the other room."

"Who is he?"

"Naruto."

_Oh god…_The Hokage sighed. "Bring him in."

"Aye." A Jounin ninja darted out of the room.

Hokage calmly folded his wrinkly hands and patiently rested them on his lap. He found this extra time to relax a little, just to make sure he doesn't show any sign of being annoyed…or else, Naruto would just try to annoy him even more.

The Jounin returned promptly, followed by the young blonde-haired boy.

"Was there something you wanted to talk to me about, Naruto?" the Hokage asked, almost guessing what the boy's request was going to be.

Naruto smiled. "I…uh…I know I've been asking you all week, but I'm begging you! Please give me a top super-secret mission like something a Jounin would do! Please?"

The Hokage sighed once more. "I'm sorry, Naruto, but I'm well-aware that you are still on the first level. You may have done a second-level mission, but for now, that's as far as it will go."

"_Fine!_" Naruto wrinkled his nose, crossed his arms, and headed out to leave. "Whatever, you old fart…" he breathed.

_Did he just call me old?_ He swiftly stood up."Excuse me? What did you say?" The Hokage's face began to turn purple.

"Are you deaf? OLD FART?" Naruto giggled at his own joke.

"I've had _enough_!"

The rage of the village leader caused all the doors to slam, and the color in Naruto's face was instantly drained to a ghostly white.

Poor Naruto was spanked with a burning sphere of chakra. Afterwards, he was exploded into a million pieces.

…That's why it's never a good idea to piss off the Hokage…

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**The End**

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A/N: This story is complete. Feel free to review. 


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